Interesting. You even addressed the topic of confusion. Only comment I can think to make of this is that you have lot a parenthetical comments throughout these. And it can always be chapter 2/4 th's (or 1/2, if you reduce).
I have no idea what to say on the species changes, as I really had no idea what they were to begin with. Part of me should really remember what Kirin are. Argh.